Group A
winner: Germany
runner-up: Poland
no duh Germany's going to win this group. no duh Poland will finish second. of course, this won't happen.
Group B
winner: Sweden
runner-up: England
i think literally everyone on planet Earth is picking England to win this group, and maybe they'll all be right. in fact, i guarantee it! ... that maybe they'll all be right. mahahaha! Zlatan Ibrahimovic (what kind of Swedish name is that?) is sick -- when he wants to be. if he brings his A game, he's a difference maker. wait, what am i, a sportswriter? no, i'm not.
Group C
winner: Cote D'Ivoire
runner-up: Argentina
yeah, a mini-upset in this, the Tango De La Muerte (which translates as the Group of Death, doy.) i think the Africans pull an upset in their first match with Argentina, and then the Argentines have to scramble back to secure 2nd. every Cup there's a team from Africa that comes out of "nowhere" to kick ass. remember Senegal? plus, any country that puts their civil war that has been raging for four years on hold for the World Cup, well, they're alright with me.
Group D
winner: Portugal
runner-up: Mexico
ahh, the old Simpsons joke about international soccer... "this match will determine which country is the greatest country on Earth... Mexico! or Portugal!" hahahahhhehhahahahahahahhehahhahhaaa! yes, we all know they are NOT the greatest countries on Earth, so it's funny. oh yeah, good times. seriously though, Portugal is good. and Scolari, who coached Brazil to the title in the last World Cup, is their coach. I know, Portugal? seriously? on a side note, Luis Figo is a monkeyhumper. okay, not really. this is what he really humps. but he's still a bitchface.
Group E
winner: Italy
runner-up: Czech Republic
hello, world? hi, it's us, the U.S. soccer team. hi. yeah, we're playing some great soccer, the best in our history. we have some good experience, play with a lot of energy, and we're planning on sticking around this Cup for awhile this ti - oh. damn! damn damn damn! well, it's been real. see ya in South Africa.
Group F
winner: Brazil
runner-up: Australia
if Brazil doesn't win this group, street crime will become an ugly reality in the streets of Sao Paolo. oh, what? okay, let's try this one: if Brazil doesn't win this group, some referees are going to die. murdered. possibly cruelly and heinously. specifically those referees that were bribed and prevented Brazil from winning their matches. hey, also, it's funny that the Aussies are known as the Socceroos. how retarded is that? very. which means they'll move on.
Group G
winner: Switzerland
runner-up: France
i really want to pick South Korea here. so why don't i? i don't know. shut up and stop asking so many questions. in that order.
Group H
winner: Spain
runner-up: Tunisia
Spain sucks balls, but they're better than the rest of the suckballs in this group. i don't know much about Tunisia, except that it looks a lot like Tatooine and Judea, ca. 30 A.D., and that i used to be friends with a couple Tunisians named Nabil and Wassim who were two of the nicest people I've ever met. so, i guess i'm hoping Tunisia does well so those guys will be happy.
Round of 16
England (over Germany)
Sweden (over Poland)
Cote D'Ivoire (over Mexico)
Argentina (over Portugal)
Italy (over Australia)
Brazil (over Czech Republic)
Switzerland (over Tunisia)
France (over Spain)
Round of 8
Argentina (over Sweden)
England (over Cote D'Ivoire)
Italy (over Switzerland)
Brazil (over France)
Semifinals
Argentina defeats Brazil
England defeats Italy
Finals
Argentina wins the World Cup
(and Brazil comes in third)
hey, it could happen.
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